god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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