There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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