So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
