i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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