I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
this just has baby written all over it
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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