So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
