I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
