I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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