Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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