My hand turned me down
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
