How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize