um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
