Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
