I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
We need a shit load of segways right now
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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