So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
