If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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