what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
