the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
