OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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