ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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