dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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