My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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