No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
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