my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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