I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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