You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
