I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
