i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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