the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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