im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
