Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
