you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
they're like a gay fantastic four
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
