just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize