You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
