i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
