I wish I could teleport
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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