and you said cock pushups were impossible
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
