I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
