This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
