she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
