my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
