he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
