First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Randomize
