I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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