Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Randomize
