Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
