I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
