May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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