you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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