Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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