I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
