Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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