Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
God, I missed his penis.
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