i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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