she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You ruined the universe
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
